Azula's Guide To Fire Nation Appeal
by Jesus.Lives
Summary: Azula and girls discuss love, beauty and men and show you how to get on like a Fire Nation girl! Slight Maiko, AZULAXNOONE and TY LEEXAPUPPYDOG
1. Appeal

**Please read "Sokka's Guide to Water Tribe Appeal" - on which this is a carry on. Plus, it'll give you some awesome ideas on how to be coooooooooooooooool.**

**PULLLLLEEEEEASE leave reviews (on both) and let me know you stopped by. And if you want to buy me Avatar (yes, this is an admission of not owning it) you know where to reach me. I don't even own Haru, Jet or Teo which will be the focus of my next fic, if I am motivated (hint, hint... help me!) to do so.**

**As Requested by TeenAnimeOtaku**

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_We begin with three girls sitting on chairs in the midst of a studio. A HOST sits across from them. But they're no ordinary girls... they're... "Ozai's Angels"_

_And they're here to give up the low down on Fire Nation Appeal._

_So forget continuously repeating the words "water tribe" and get fired up for the Fire Nation..._

_The host begins talking to the audience..._

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HOST

Thanks for joining us. Last week, we got a run down on how to get endowed with the water tribe appeal from everyone's most popular guy - Sokka!

This week, we find out that the Fire Nation have a much different approach.

Heat, power, bloodthirsty, rendezvous...

AZULA

_(annoyed)_

Are you done?

TY LEE

Shhh, Zula... he's describing you!

HOST

Ahem. So now we have three ladies who are literally the finest of the Fire Nation warriors... but watch out fella's... they're hot.

MAI

_(unamused)_

Was that supposed to be a pun?

TY LEE

_(whispering)_

You know... is it just me, or is the host kinda cute?

MAI

_(to Azula)_

Are you sure she's not nearsighted?

HOST

First up. Let's talk about choosing a man. Azula. Your thoughts?

AZULA

Let me get this straight, I don't like men... well, people in general. Especially those from other Nations... but a girl has needs.

HOST

Hmmm... That doesn't sound straight to me.

_Azula raises an eyebrow and her fingers twitch with electric currents. She points one at him._

AZULA

I'm about to send a bolt of lightening directly to your groinal region. You won't feel anything at first, but then after a minute, the worst suffering you would have ever experienced to your manhood will have cut in... do I make myself clear?

HOST

Heh-heh. Please. Continue.

AZULA

Alright. I like someone strong. But not stronger than me, like that's possible. Someone that can easily be controlled. So preferably someone stupid... but still masculine.

TY LEE

And he has to be cute!

MAI

_(drolly)_

Like a puppy dog?

TY LEE

_(looking hopeful)_

Zula? Will you let me get a puppy dog?

AZULA

_(not impressed)_

Mai here likes someone who can drown puppy dogs, right?

TY LEE

Zu-zu would never drown a puppy dog.

MAI

(agitated, as per usual)

Next!

HOST

OK. Next up, is catching a man. I'm sure you girls are no stranger to this one.

AZULA

First thing you should do is...

TY LEE

Check to see the color of their aura!

AZULA

Incase them in a circle of flames, to check if they can stand the heat.

TY LEE

But checking their aura would take a lot less time.

AZULA

Can we get her out of here?

MAI

_(yawning)_

Next!

HOST

Alright. How about dumping a man?

AZULA

This is also a good way to tell if a man is worthwhile or not. If he cries like a baby when you get the guards to forcably remove him, then you've wasted your time. If he knocks down all the guards... he might have promise.

HOST

Mai, you've been awfully quiet.

TY LEE

Oh, that's because she's not interested. She's waiting around for Zula's brother.

MAI

_(angrily)_

I'm JUST. NOT. INTERESTED. Full stop.

HOST

So what about grooming. How do you gals keep yourself attractive?

TY LEE

_(giggles)_

A good work-out... and good eyebrows.

AZULA

Practice with Fire Nation Army Soldiers. I like to test them. Daddy lets me. After all, if they can't beat a girl - they're in the wrong Nation and they're in the wrong army.

Grooming is very important. After all, we like to look our best.

What a meager victory it would be if we looked like the dirty Earth Nation peasants... or the over-clothed, homely Water Tribe... or my homeless brother and weak uncle. Fire Nation has a reputation to keep. I can only be thankful that such tattered, ugly people no longer have a home in my nation.

HOST

Lastly, what about love?

_Azula falls on the floor, snorting with laugher. Mai sits stoically (which means her expression doesn't change) and Ty Lee's eyes shine with hope for the future._

AZULA

Fire Nation Royalty don't fall in love. It's convenience. When I am Fire Lady, I will have many maidens in which to bear my children.

Who knows, if you're lucky Ty Lee, you might even become one of them...

I pity those who think about such things as marriage and love.

HOST

And on that miserable note, we finish our exclusive with three ladies who really know how to treat a man.

Perhaps next time we will have three of the Earth Nation's best to tell us their strategies.

_All of a sudden a flurry of air whooshes into the studio. It's AANG._

AANG

What about Air Nomads? You can't have a special without air nomads.

_Azula falls over with laughter again._

HOST

Since there's just one of you... yeah... we can...

AANG

_(fishing)_

Well, there's Avatar appeal...

HOST

_(to Aang)_

Nice try.

_(back to audience)_

And reviewers - flame on!

MAI

Another pun. How original.

AZULA

OK, girls. Hold down the Avatar!

AANG

Gulp!

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	2. You Choose!

_OK. The next one could be one of the following._

_Please vote!_

Haru, Jet and Teo talking about Earth Nation loyalty (that's it, you're outta here, Teo! - pft... air boy...)

or

Toph and The Boulder discussing Earth Rumble fangirls and fanboys (cough.. Sokka.. cough) and the perks of being Earth Nation.

In the next... how to get EARTH NATION appeal.


End file.
